I haven’t blogged in ages. I’m a horrible excuse for a human being, but I really haven’t had much to say and my ramblings are usually not of the interesting variety.

However, as the Christmas holiday crept closer, I began thinking about the big man in the red suit.

I had a grin on my face as I thought of the fun lore surrounding him – but then as if by magic, all of the puzzle pieces started fitting together in my head.

Santa Claus is actually a VAMPIRE!

I’m totally like a Christmas detective. Please draw your attention to the evidence supporting my theory:

The song, “Santa Claus is Coming to Town,” is like one giant hidden message.

CLUE #1: He knows when you’re sleeping.

WHAT THIS MEANS: Hello?! He’s totally Edward stalking people and watching them when they sleep! How else would he know?

***********************

CLUE #2: He knows if you’ve been bad or good.

WHAT THIS MEANS: He knows because he can READ YOUR MIND!!!

***********************

CLUE #3: He lives forever.

WHAT THIS MEANS: Does this need an explanation? Totally not buying the farce they tried to sell in, “The Santa Clause.” He’s way too smart to fall off a roof and die.

***********************

CLUE #4: He travels all over the world in one night.

WHAT THIS MEANS: He has super human speed! Have you ever heard of a vampire that wasn’t freakishly fast?

***********************

CLUE #5: He does all of his business at night.

WHAT THIS MEANS: Whether he’s afraid of bursting into flames or blinding people with his sparkle, the fact remains that he only comes down from the North Pole at night.  And he lives at the North Pole where it is dark 24/7 during his busy season. I’m going with the theory that he hibernates during the summer as to not freak out the elves. This is also why he has to send out “helpers” to work the mall circuit.

***********************

In short, meet the REAL Santa Claus.

May your world be rocked.